Introduction to the Option Method
A powerful tool for introspection & emotional change.
The Option Method is a therapeutic/coaching method for resolving feelings of unhappiness. It was invented in the 70s by Bruce Di Marsico (see choosehappiness.net for more info).
It consists of five questions that one can ask oneself or be asked by a coach in a Socratic dialog form. The goal of a dialog is to help the client question and see through hidden beliefs that cause their unhappiness.
Its goal is to create Type II growth experiences as described here:
Theoretical Background
The theory behind the Option Method says that our (unhappy) feelings are not caused by what happens to us but by how we react to it via our beliefs and thoughts. This might sound familiar to you from Buddhism, Stoic philosophy, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
To make this more tangible, imagine any kind of situation that could supposedly make you unhappy. Now ask: How could another person react to this exact situation? Could someone not be unhappy in this situation? If so, how? This can get you thinking about how beliefs and thoughts shape how we feel about external events.
In the Option Method view, unhappiness is any emotional state that we don’t want to be in but we think we have to be in. We believe a situation forces us to feel unhappy, or that we need to feel unhappy to avoid some even worse outcome. The Option Method is designed to question these beliefs.
This is where the name of the method comes from: It helps us realize that we don’t have to feel a certain way about something, that we have other options.
The Option Attitude
Besides the questions themselves, I find the attitude of the Option coach quite powerful. The coach is supposed to remain completely non-judgmental, leading the dialog in an open-ended form. They don’t try to lead the person to a specific insight or attitude or feeling, but help the client draw their own conclusions and feel how they want to feel.
In contrast to other coaching methods, the Option Method never questions beliefs about reality, nor does it try to give advice or solve practical questions. It only questions unhappy feelings. This then often makes it possible for us to move forward with practical solutions.
The Method
So the goal of the Option Method is to discover and question the belief that some situation forces you to be unhappy, which can then allow you to invent a different way of feeling around that situation. To that end, it proceeds in two phases: the clarification phase and the belief phase:
The goal of the clarification phase (questions 1 & 2) is to specify as much as possible the real-world situation that (supposedly) is the cause of or reason for the unhappiness.
The belief phase (questions 3-5) wants to discover the specific belief that is active and question it.
The 5 Questions
The questions given here are example questions. In a dialog, these can take different forms depending on the specific content.
What are you unhappy about?
This question identifies the topic at hand. It can also be used later to refocus a dialog and check if the unhappiness under discussion is still present or has perhaps changed/dissolved.
What about that makes you unhappy? or What’s the worst about it? or What are you most afraid of?
This question wants to clarify what exactly is the supposed cause of the unhappiness. These questions look simple, but don’t be deceived, they can be quite powerful in their own right.
These two questions form the clarification phase and may be asked until no new information emerges.1
If an answer to the 2nd question is a feeling and not an objective real-world situation, the question “What do you mean by that [feeling]?” can help refocus on clarifying the scenario.
Why are you/why do you have to be unhappy about that?
This question, the first of the belief phase, goes after the belief saying that one has to feel a certain (bad) way about the situation.2
The given reasons should be further questioned like “Why do you believe that?”.
Sometimes at this point a client sees that actually there is no good reason why one has to feel bad and an alternative way of feeling can emerge. If it doesn’t, the client might just say they don’t know. In that case question 4 can help.
What would happen/what are you afraid of/what would it mean if you didn’t feel unhappy about this situation?
This is another way to discover the reason people believe they need to be unhappy: they actually believe something worse will happen if they don’t.
Discovering this function of their unhappy feelings can cause a change in a client because they see that they are actually, in a way, choosing to be unhappy (in order to avoid this worse thing).
Why do you believe that?
If they can realize what this worse thing is (answer to question 4), they should question whether it is really true that they need the unhappy feeling to avoid that, or whether there are better ways to fulfill this function.
In general, this question format works with almost anything that comes up. No answer is off the table or “wrong” as long as the thread of questioning unhappy feelings is followed.
Sample Dialog
What are you unhappy about? (Q1)
I feel bad that I forgot to buy a present for my sister.
What about that makes you unhappy? (Q2)
I am afraid that she will think I don’t care about her.
What’s the worst about that? (Q2)
I fear that this shows that in general I am a cold and uncaring person.
Why does forgetting to buy a present for your sister mean you are a cold or uncaring person? (Q3)
Because I always forget this kind of stuff, seems like I don’t even care.
Why do you have to feel bad if you often forget things like this? (Q3)
Isn’t it obvious that that’s a bad thing to do?
Maybe it’s obvious for you, so tell me, why is it obviously bad to often forget things like this? (Q3)
That’s strange, I can’t really come up with a reason…
What are you afraid would happen,if you didn’t feel bad about forgetting to buy a present for your sister? (Q4)
I would look like I don’t care at all about my behavior, or about her. It would be so rude.
Why do you think not feeling bad would mean you didn’t care or were rude? (Q5)
I guess it wouldn’t have to mean that. I guess I could still feel apologetic & try to make things right without beating myself up. Thank you! 😁
v1.0
It is quite common for dialogs to sometimes go in circles. This is not a problem. Even though the dialog appears to be stagnating, it is likely that at some point by going over the same material a few times new and deeper answers will be revealed.
It might also happen that the client cannot come up with an answer and says “I don’t know”. This is also not a problem. Phrasing the question differently can help, or it might be time to move on to the next question.
This question may sometimes also lead to more clarification of the situation (interpreted as question 2) in which case it can just be re-asked about the more specific situation.